So today,

This morning was rough.

I learned that I'm going to have to use the rest of my refund money for GAS so I can actually go to school, and I got screamed at because I "lack the driving initiative"

Woohoo.

All of the stress that has built up in the last few months came crashing down on me this morning. The money issues. The face that my mom is still fighting to keep our house. The fact that I have had to play catch up with my personal money since April because momma never fought for child support. The fact that I have no car. I can't get a job, and I don't live in a place that I can just walk to work. The face that I'm constantly being stuck between my parents' loathing for each other and constantly being screwed over because of it. I can honestly say I wanted to shoot myself in the face this morning. And that was pretty scary, considering I've only been at that point once before. Then I came to the conclusion that I would never shoot myself in the face because Kirk would hate me for the rest of his life.

So right before Algebra started I got out my Bible and did my devotional. Low and behold, my devotional for today was titled "From Despair to Hope." I thought 'oh how ironic' and I read Psalm 42: 1-11. What really caught my eye was verse eleven;

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God."

David was talking to his soul. He was going 'why are you bringing me down man?!' So I got out a piece of paper and wrote down everything that had been putting me down, everything that I was mad at, every bad thing that I wanted to do, and I ripped it up and threw it in the trash can.

In fifty minutes Algebra was finished and I walked all ten steps to my English class and stared at the floor. I still didn't feel all the way better and I was letting my soul bring me down once more. In English we had a debate about women and men stereotypes that got me laughing and my negativity soon flew away.

The car ride on the way home was different. My mother's infectiously negative attitude soon had my soul down to the floor and a scowl on my face. I made the comment about being screwed over yet again, and feeling stuck and my mom did an amazing thing, instead of cussing at me- she comforted me.

"You aren't stuck." She said. "Once you start driving you can take the care and drive ME to work. I'm going to get another job and then figure out how to move us to Augusta so it won't cost so much to get out there. I should have been thinking of how to do that instead of having my head up my a** after losing my job."

I couldn't help but laugh. For once she was cussing at herself. And then it hit me, I wasn't stuck. At the same time that thought hit me God said "There's always a way out." DUH. I had been the one with my head up my butt. I was too busy drowning in negativity and self pity to realize that I wasn't going to be stuck forever. I knew God had been working on momma while I was in school because she isn't the comforting type. And I was thankful.

The peace of the Lord is a lovely thing to experience. I experienced it today for the first time in a painfully long time, and I have to say I can breathe easier now.

The story of us.

So, once upon a time ago, my freshman year to be exact.... I had just gotten out of an awful relationship. Everyone knows how girls are about their first boyfriend, they're just happy to have them so they will literally blind themselves to any faults their first prince charming may have. It just so happens my first boyfriend did every drug in the book and was quite abusive, mentally and physically. So after a death and rape threat I broke up with the dude. (Yayyyyy *applause*)

Now, I was walking down the sidewalk of Thomson High School and a message from one of the youth rally's I had been to popped in my head. The dude that was speaking talked about how he had prayed that God put only the woman that he was going to marry in his path and one day at a baseball game God told the dude "Your wife is sitting right behind you." Long story short the dude and the chick got married and had kids and blah blah blah. So I said a simple but sincere prayer. "Lord, I never want to get hurt like I have been again. When the one You want for me comes around, please let me know. I don't care if it takes five days, five months, or five years I will be patient and wait on You."

Now, I'm not quite sure how much time passed before that prayer and one certain Tuesday night where I had a very strange but vivid dream about meeting this extremely hot guy. I woke up that next Wednesday morning and went to school like normal and then that night I went to church. Low and behold, the extremely hot guy I dreamed about the night before walked in with this dude named Jacob that had been coming for a few weeks to work with my youth pastor. I was stumped and skeptical at why in the world he was there so I let it slide. A few days later me and that hot dude named Kirk added each other on myspace (we have two different points of view on who found who and who sent the friend request to who but either way we became friends on myspace.) We started messaging each other and we found each other quite funny so numbers were exchanged and we began this texting each other every second we were awake phase. During that time we traded stories about our lives and stuff and he asked me if he could confide in me something. Of course I told him he could and he proceeded to tell me about this dream he had the night before we saw each other for the first time at my church. I will never forget his words. "Erin, I dreamed about you." So I summoned the courage and told him that I had dreamed about him that same night. Shortly after that conversation we prayed about dating and then he asked me out.

It wasn't much of a relationship. My drug addict ex boyfriend happened to go to that same church and I was not allowed to go there if he was there. Needless to say, I only saw Kirk the whole entire time we dated. Then everything blew sky high. Someone that my mother worked with lied to my mother about Kirk because he wasn't interested in dating her daughter so my mother did was she does best and had a fit. The relationship ended shortly after that because me and Kirk were both deeply discouraged.

So I started dating this other guy, because for some dumb reason I decided to forget my simple prayer and that dream I had. So for a good long time I was miserable because the dude was a butt to be perfectly honest.

At the end of my sophomore year (Which was the worst school year of my life) I decided I needed a friend that was a guy since my boyfriend was so full of crap. I was laying in bed one night, crying because I had gotten my feelings hurt, and I began to look through my phone for someone to talk to. I stumbled across Kirk's number and I remembered how much of a compassionate guy he had been so I texted him. Even though he didn't have my number saved in his phone he immediately guessed that it was me.

And so we were friends again. He was dating another person at the time just like I was and we became each others relationship advisers. The girl lied to him and broke his heart and I became his go to person. Over the summer and on into my Junior year we became best friends. I was actually the first person to admit that old feelings had resurfaced to his relief, because apparently he had been feeling the same way. I was dating someone else and he totally respected that but his feelings for me kept growing, he could only see another heart brake in the future so he backed off quite a bit. We went almost four months without speaking to each other, and then my grandmother slipped into a coma. I don't remember exactly how long she was in a coma for, but it was from a few days after Christmas until sometime in January. My mother and my aunt were at the hospital with her almost 24/7 and I was at home alone, a lot. I decided to try to get back in touch with Kirk because I had a hunch that he would bring some kind of comfort, and he did.

And then Nana died. I remember that day so ridiculously well. It was a Wednesday and my mom was picking me up from school as usual, I got in the car and she said in a voice that was sad but relieved "Nana died this morning." I called the dude I was dating at the time as soon as I got home. I was a crying mess and I needed some kind of outside comfort because everyone else was stuck in their own grief. The only words he had for me was "oh, you'll get over it." I was furious and I was hurting. I texted Kirk and told him and he immediately sent me a cover of him singing a silly song. I laughed in spite of my tears.

The days after Nana's death are painfully vivid. Everyone came into town for the funeral. I remember one night when there were too many people at Nana's house and me and my two cousins, Brittney and Lindsey walked to my house (which is right behind Nana's) and we all got comfortable on my tiny bed and got some peaceful sleep. During that whole ordeal Kirk constantly checked on me and cheered me up.

I was staying at my best friend's house a few weeks later and I asked her to pray about my relationship situation. "I think I'm supposed to be with Kirk! I just can't shake that feeling." She agreed with me and we prayed. After a few more weeks of prayer I dumped the guy I was dating and I got back together with the person that had loved me and waited for me the whole time.

Now here we are. One year, six months, and eleven days later. I look back and I can see exactly what God was doing, He was growing us up before we got together for good. There's no way we would have lasted as long as we have through everything that has happened if we hadn't had that time apart to mature and deal with our own stuff first. Every detail, down to Jacob going to the same church I did and Kirk moving in with him has lead straight up to now.

I know one thing for sure, this is where I am supposed to be and Kirk is who I am supposed to be with and I thank God every day that I finally woke up and saw that. Now I can't wait to see how the rest of my life plays out with Kirkie by my side.

So yesterday was Jacob's birthday. It was a hard day for everyone, especially Kirk who didn't mention the fact that it was Jacob's birthday at all.

My boyfriend. Trying to be the tough one. It's kind of sad sometimes. I remember when Jacob had just died and I had to be the tough one because Kirk was a walking water hose for a while.

I hated it! I had always been the one that needed to depend on someone. No one had ever depended on me like that. Finally I just lost it, through being the tough one I hadn't had the time to grieve at all. I mean I lost the one human being on this earth that could piss me off and then make me laugh so hard I almost pissed myself within twenty seconds of each other. Jacob was going to be the one to marry us, or be Kirk's best man. Knowing Jacob he probably would have been both and would've put the spotlight on himself and I probably would've gotten angry because it was my day. None of that can happen now.

I woke up yesterday thinking "Man, I wish Jacob was alive so we could have another my dad is a bigger douche bag than your dad argument." He always won but at least I felt better about myself afterwards.

Jacob's mom just recently got a gravestone for him. According to Kirk it is frikin massive. I think that is pretty fitting. First of all, Jacob was a huge dude. Second of all, after almost eight months of him being gone everyone still has a huge hole in their heart where he used to be. The most obnoxious human being on the planet left an obnoxiously empty space in a lot of people's lives.

Yesterday Jacob would have been twenty five.

Yep

I have a youtube and this is the stuff I talk about. Lol

Today was a tough day. I'm absolutely exhausted and I still have to read stuff for Biology. All I want is a nap but that's not going to happen. I think caffeine is going to be a close friend this year.

Not being able to drive is really aggravating. I just want to be able to do my own thing. I want to be able to have alone time going to and from school but someone broke their world on getting me a car. I absolutely cannot stand liars! I feel really cheated honestly. I mean, I can't even get a JOB without a car. Ugh.

I'm going to Thomson High's open house tonight with my younger cousin, Brittney. I'm really excited to see all of my old teachers. I miss them so much.

I'm laying down to type this and I've figured out that it isn't a good idea so I'm just going to go read my Biology stuff and hang out until open house.

Two posts in one day... that's pretty weird for this blog. :)
But I did something good tonight. I had been stressing all summer over starting college and I hadn't cried at all in a very long time. Even according to my boyfriend I just needed to cry tonight.
So right in the middle of me and my boyfriend watching Gordon Ramsay on Hell's Kitchen yell at the red team, I just cried and cried and snotted on Kirk's shirt and cried and coughed on Kirk because it was one of those tense cries where you almost puke and cry.

Now all this was sparked because of my dad calling me and acting like he cared when he absolutely cares nothing about me. So I just kind of let that break me down and I sobbed. Of course my wonderful boyfriend held me the whole time. That's love, because his shirt was gross after I was done. But I mean, we've been through the depths of hell together. He wasn't my best friend and then my boyfriend for nothing. This time I was the one that just cried.

After Kirk's best friend, Jacob, died I was the only one around that provided a shoulder for Kirk to cry on. I even set aside my sadness and despair over Jacob's death AND my Nanny's death to be there for my boo. He was there for me my Junior year when my Nana died and no one, not even the guy I was dating at that time, was there for me. We weren't even dating and yet he stayed up with me, comforted me, prayed with me, prayed for me, and all around helped me heal. Of course I was going to be there for him when his best friend that he lived with for almost five years died so unexpectedly.

I have to be honest though, I've never been so mad at God before. When Jacob died I think everyone was angry with God. I mean Jacob was going to propose to his girlfriend, Sharon, in THREE days. He was just about to graduate college. He was going to pastor his own church where Kirk would be the worship leader and Sharon and I would be youth leaders. So many dreams were dashed into the wind on December 28th 2010... I still don't understand why.

But the thing is, I'm content with not understanding why now. My God is a big God and He took my anger, and then He took me back when I came running back begging Him to forgive me for being angry in the first place. He makes all things work together for our good and somehow Jacob dying was a way to bring more glory to God's kingdom.

I'm fine with that now. As I mentioned earlier I'm getting back to myself now. Grief is a weird thing. It really tears people apart but at the same time when I look back I realize that God was there the whole time, holding me like Kirk was holding me tonight. Nothing but love was there.

I love my Heavenly Father so much. I love how He uses the love from my wonderful boyfriend to demonstrate His amazing love even further. I am so thankful that Kirk is the only good man in my life on this planet, and that he is a Christian and that he loves God just as much, if not more than I do. I'm thankful for the times I can just cry and let go of the things I've been bottling up.

I'm just thankful.

So I haven't posted in a long frikin time. Over a year in fact. Last year just went by so fast... I don't even know how to describe it. It was pretty awesome until Jacob and Nanny died. Within two weeks of each other, isn't that lovely? I think somewhere deep inside me I'm still angry at Jacob's death. I don't even know why.... if anyone ever deserved to go to Heaven it would be him. Maybe I'm just angry at all the hurt Kirk has had to deal with since Jacob was his best friend. .

I changed a lot over my senior year. Especially after they died. I turned into this angry negative person, I didn't even know myself anymore. To think... it's taken this long to catch up with myself. I've felt so distant from everything and everything except for Kirk since then. I don't know what happened honestly. It stared when Nana died almost two years ago, I haven't felt like the same Erin since. I don't know if I built up this huge wall around myself or what, but I think that's what happened. Death is a funny thing. I've never had something change me like that except for when I made the commitment to completely give my life to Christ. I still don't pray like I used to. I haven't done a devotional in forever, except I started back last night. At least there's Journey. There's people up there that care, and they're just as lost after Jacob's death as Kirk and I am.

I've recently learned who truly cares about me and who doesn't. I swear.. I'm so done with liars. I think after finally realizing what kind of earthly father I have was the point I started getting back on track with God again. My Heavenly Father loves me for me. My Heavenly Father cares... Somehow after getting furious and walking away from Him after Jacob died... Somehow I feel like God loves me more than ever. So, it's ok that my earthly father sucks at life. I know I am loved, I know Who I am loved by too. :)

I know this blog has been all over the place but I'm just kind of writing what comes to my head. All of that up there is what's been begging to get out lately. It's nice to finally let it out.
I'm slowly getting back to myself.