This morning was rough.
I learned that I'm going to have to use the rest of my refund money for GAS so I can actually go to school, and I got screamed at because I "lack the driving initiative"
Woohoo.
All of the stress that has built up in the last few months came crashing down on me this morning. The money issues. The face that my mom is still fighting to keep our house. The fact that I have had to play catch up with my personal money since April because momma never fought for child support. The fact that I have no car. I can't get a job, and I don't live in a place that I can just walk to work. The face that I'm constantly being stuck between my parents' loathing for each other and constantly being screwed over because of it. I can honestly say I wanted to shoot myself in the face this morning. And that was pretty scary, considering I've only been at that point once before. Then I came to the conclusion that I would never shoot myself in the face because Kirk would hate me for the rest of his life.
So right before Algebra started I got out my Bible and did my devotional. Low and behold, my devotional for today was titled "From Despair to Hope." I thought 'oh how ironic' and I read Psalm 42: 1-11. What really caught my eye was verse eleven;
"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God."
David was talking to his soul. He was going 'why are you bringing me down man?!' So I got out a piece of paper and wrote down everything that had been putting me down, everything that I was mad at, every bad thing that I wanted to do, and I ripped it up and threw it in the trash can.
In fifty minutes Algebra was finished and I walked all ten steps to my English class and stared at the floor. I still didn't feel all the way better and I was letting my soul bring me down once more. In English we had a debate about women and men stereotypes that got me laughing and my negativity soon flew away.
The car ride on the way home was different. My mother's infectiously negative attitude soon had my soul down to the floor and a scowl on my face. I made the comment about being screwed over yet again, and feeling stuck and my mom did an amazing thing, instead of cussing at me- she comforted me.
"You aren't stuck." She said. "Once you start driving you can take the care and drive ME to work. I'm going to get another job and then figure out how to move us to Augusta so it won't cost so much to get out there. I should have been thinking of how to do that instead of having my head up my a** after losing my job."
I couldn't help but laugh. For once she was cussing at herself. And then it hit me, I wasn't stuck. At the same time that thought hit me God said "There's always a way out." DUH. I had been the one with my head up my butt. I was too busy drowning in negativity and self pity to realize that I wasn't going to be stuck forever. I knew God had been working on momma while I was in school because she isn't the comforting type. And I was thankful.
The peace of the Lord is a lovely thing to experience. I experienced it today for the first time in a painfully long time, and I have to say I can breathe easier now.
I learned that I'm going to have to use the rest of my refund money for GAS so I can actually go to school, and I got screamed at because I "lack the driving initiative"
Woohoo.
All of the stress that has built up in the last few months came crashing down on me this morning. The money issues. The face that my mom is still fighting to keep our house. The fact that I have had to play catch up with my personal money since April because momma never fought for child support. The fact that I have no car. I can't get a job, and I don't live in a place that I can just walk to work. The face that I'm constantly being stuck between my parents' loathing for each other and constantly being screwed over because of it. I can honestly say I wanted to shoot myself in the face this morning. And that was pretty scary, considering I've only been at that point once before. Then I came to the conclusion that I would never shoot myself in the face because Kirk would hate me for the rest of his life.
So right before Algebra started I got out my Bible and did my devotional. Low and behold, my devotional for today was titled "From Despair to Hope." I thought 'oh how ironic' and I read Psalm 42: 1-11. What really caught my eye was verse eleven;
"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God."
David was talking to his soul. He was going 'why are you bringing me down man?!' So I got out a piece of paper and wrote down everything that had been putting me down, everything that I was mad at, every bad thing that I wanted to do, and I ripped it up and threw it in the trash can.
In fifty minutes Algebra was finished and I walked all ten steps to my English class and stared at the floor. I still didn't feel all the way better and I was letting my soul bring me down once more. In English we had a debate about women and men stereotypes that got me laughing and my negativity soon flew away.
The car ride on the way home was different. My mother's infectiously negative attitude soon had my soul down to the floor and a scowl on my face. I made the comment about being screwed over yet again, and feeling stuck and my mom did an amazing thing, instead of cussing at me- she comforted me.
"You aren't stuck." She said. "Once you start driving you can take the care and drive ME to work. I'm going to get another job and then figure out how to move us to Augusta so it won't cost so much to get out there. I should have been thinking of how to do that instead of having my head up my a** after losing my job."
I couldn't help but laugh. For once she was cussing at herself. And then it hit me, I wasn't stuck. At the same time that thought hit me God said "There's always a way out." DUH. I had been the one with my head up my butt. I was too busy drowning in negativity and self pity to realize that I wasn't going to be stuck forever. I knew God had been working on momma while I was in school because she isn't the comforting type. And I was thankful.
The peace of the Lord is a lovely thing to experience. I experienced it today for the first time in a painfully long time, and I have to say I can breathe easier now.
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