What's life like when you've broke off the friendship you had with your "best" friend of ten years? Empty.
To be honest though, I'm more thankful for the emptiness than I thought I would be. Cause during the last few years I would wake up and randomly hate the child's guts. That's never a good feeling to have in a relationship. But I guess after all the years of trying to convince me and herself that she was prettier than I was, that she was the better friend, that she was more loyal, and that more guys wanted to get with her a little hate was warranted.
I never realized how unhealthy the friendship was until it ended. Now looking back on it, I just feel sick. I was always getting the child out of trouble that she deserved. I was always sacrificing money and me time for her. I always had to do what she wanted to do. I always had to walk on eggshells because of her "mental illness" that gave her license to snap on anyone anytime she wanted.
She never understood me. No one who doesn't understand my love of reading, silence, sleep, Harry Potter, and all things nerdy can understand me. No one who chooses to periodically disobey their parents can understand me. No one who would rather skip school and go have sex with someone could ever understand me.
To be honest though, I'm more thankful for the emptiness than I thought I would be. Cause during the last few years I would wake up and randomly hate the child's guts. That's never a good feeling to have in a relationship. But I guess after all the years of trying to convince me and herself that she was prettier than I was, that she was the better friend, that she was more loyal, and that more guys wanted to get with her a little hate was warranted.
I never realized how unhealthy the friendship was until it ended. Now looking back on it, I just feel sick. I was always getting the child out of trouble that she deserved. I was always sacrificing money and me time for her. I always had to do what she wanted to do. I always had to walk on eggshells because of her "mental illness" that gave her license to snap on anyone anytime she wanted.
She never understood me. No one who doesn't understand my love of reading, silence, sleep, Harry Potter, and all things nerdy can understand me. No one who chooses to periodically disobey their parents can understand me. No one who would rather skip school and go have sex with someone could ever understand me.
Hell. Half the time I don't even understand me.
So why does it feel like a bad breakup? Why am I stuck with dream soaked guilt? Why do I keep dreaming about patching up the friendship? It's not what I want. I wanted the friendship to end in ninth grade for God's sake.
I guess not having someone constantly bombarding my cell phone with stupid text messages makes me feel lonely. I guess not having someone besides Kirk begging for my time makes me feel unimportant. I guess not saving someone's ass twenty-four-seven makes me feel like I'm not being used.
I don't like to cuss but dangit if this hasn't been bugging me for months. It makes me feel stupid that it still bugs me because I'll bet a hundred dollars she doesn't give two craps. Ughhhhhhh. I want someone to want me to be their best friend so I'm stressed constantly because I secretly want to spend more time with my boyfriend but I actually do want to spend time with them again! I also want my brain to make a bit more sense.
So why does it feel like a bad breakup? Why am I stuck with dream soaked guilt? Why do I keep dreaming about patching up the friendship? It's not what I want. I wanted the friendship to end in ninth grade for God's sake.
I guess not having someone constantly bombarding my cell phone with stupid text messages makes me feel lonely. I guess not having someone besides Kirk begging for my time makes me feel unimportant. I guess not saving someone's ass twenty-four-seven makes me feel like I'm not being used.
I don't like to cuss but dangit if this hasn't been bugging me for months. It makes me feel stupid that it still bugs me because I'll bet a hundred dollars she doesn't give two craps. Ughhhhhhh. I want someone to want me to be their best friend so I'm stressed constantly because I secretly want to spend more time with my boyfriend but I actually do want to spend time with them again! I also want my brain to make a bit more sense.
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