Two posts in one day... that's pretty weird for this blog. :)
But I did something good tonight. I had been stressing all summer over starting college and I hadn't cried at all in a very long time. Even according to my boyfriend I just needed to cry tonight.
So right in the middle of me and my boyfriend watching Gordon Ramsay on Hell's Kitchen yell at the red team, I just cried and cried and snotted on Kirk's shirt and cried and coughed on Kirk because it was one of those tense cries where you almost puke and cry.
Now all this was sparked because of my dad calling me and acting like he cared when he absolutely cares nothing about me. So I just kind of let that break me down and I sobbed. Of course my wonderful boyfriend held me the whole time. That's love, because his shirt was gross after I was done. But I mean, we've been through the depths of hell together. He wasn't my best friend and then my boyfriend for nothing. This time I was the one that just cried.
After Kirk's best friend, Jacob, died I was the only one around that provided a shoulder for Kirk to cry on. I even set aside my sadness and despair over Jacob's death AND my Nanny's death to be there for my boo. He was there for me my Junior year when my Nana died and no one, not even the guy I was dating at that time, was there for me. We weren't even dating and yet he stayed up with me, comforted me, prayed with me, prayed for me, and all around helped me heal. Of course I was going to be there for him when his best friend that he lived with for almost five years died so unexpectedly.
I have to be honest though, I've never been so mad at God before. When Jacob died I think everyone was angry with God. I mean Jacob was going to propose to his girlfriend, Sharon, in THREE days. He was just about to graduate college. He was going to pastor his own church where Kirk would be the worship leader and Sharon and I would be youth leaders. So many dreams were dashed into the wind on December 28th 2010... I still don't understand why.
But the thing is, I'm content with not understanding why now. My God is a big God and He took my anger, and then He took me back when I came running back begging Him to forgive me for being angry in the first place. He makes all things work together for our good and somehow Jacob dying was a way to bring more glory to God's kingdom.
I'm fine with that now. As I mentioned earlier I'm getting back to myself now. Grief is a weird thing. It really tears people apart but at the same time when I look back I realize that God was there the whole time, holding me like Kirk was holding me tonight. Nothing but love was there.
I love my Heavenly Father so much. I love how He uses the love from my wonderful boyfriend to demonstrate His amazing love even further. I am so thankful that Kirk is the only good man in my life on this planet, and that he is a Christian and that he loves God just as much, if not more than I do. I'm thankful for the times I can just cry and let go of the things I've been bottling up.
I'm just thankful.
But I did something good tonight. I had been stressing all summer over starting college and I hadn't cried at all in a very long time. Even according to my boyfriend I just needed to cry tonight.
So right in the middle of me and my boyfriend watching Gordon Ramsay on Hell's Kitchen yell at the red team, I just cried and cried and snotted on Kirk's shirt and cried and coughed on Kirk because it was one of those tense cries where you almost puke and cry.
Now all this was sparked because of my dad calling me and acting like he cared when he absolutely cares nothing about me. So I just kind of let that break me down and I sobbed. Of course my wonderful boyfriend held me the whole time. That's love, because his shirt was gross after I was done. But I mean, we've been through the depths of hell together. He wasn't my best friend and then my boyfriend for nothing. This time I was the one that just cried.
After Kirk's best friend, Jacob, died I was the only one around that provided a shoulder for Kirk to cry on. I even set aside my sadness and despair over Jacob's death AND my Nanny's death to be there for my boo. He was there for me my Junior year when my Nana died and no one, not even the guy I was dating at that time, was there for me. We weren't even dating and yet he stayed up with me, comforted me, prayed with me, prayed for me, and all around helped me heal. Of course I was going to be there for him when his best friend that he lived with for almost five years died so unexpectedly.
I have to be honest though, I've never been so mad at God before. When Jacob died I think everyone was angry with God. I mean Jacob was going to propose to his girlfriend, Sharon, in THREE days. He was just about to graduate college. He was going to pastor his own church where Kirk would be the worship leader and Sharon and I would be youth leaders. So many dreams were dashed into the wind on December 28th 2010... I still don't understand why.
But the thing is, I'm content with not understanding why now. My God is a big God and He took my anger, and then He took me back when I came running back begging Him to forgive me for being angry in the first place. He makes all things work together for our good and somehow Jacob dying was a way to bring more glory to God's kingdom.
I'm fine with that now. As I mentioned earlier I'm getting back to myself now. Grief is a weird thing. It really tears people apart but at the same time when I look back I realize that God was there the whole time, holding me like Kirk was holding me tonight. Nothing but love was there.
I love my Heavenly Father so much. I love how He uses the love from my wonderful boyfriend to demonstrate His amazing love even further. I am so thankful that Kirk is the only good man in my life on this planet, and that he is a Christian and that he loves God just as much, if not more than I do. I'm thankful for the times I can just cry and let go of the things I've been bottling up.
I'm just thankful.
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