You are my Hope.

School starts in 13 days.
Band Camp starts on Monday...
My senior year is closing in like a frikin tsunami and I can only keep my head up in calm waters.
I've already made a promise to myself that i'm going to carry my ghetto camera everywhere with me this year, capture some memories, save some moments, stuff like that. I'm looking forward to the Friday night football games, though to my dismay there's only 5 away games this year. I'm ready for the laughs, i'm ready for the quality time with my friends, i'm ready to get this over with. But i know that this isn't going to be a breeze like 8th or 9th grade.. i'm headed for the big leagues. I've been praying and praying and asking God to take my stress away, i'm already stressing like crazy over grades and i haven't set foot in Thomson High yet. This year i can't procrastinate like a fool, i can't just not do homework and play catch up before report cards, i can't settle for a C. i WON'T settle for a C in anything, not even on progress reports. I'm going to totally bust butt this year and i'll probably end up hating myself for it, but i can do it. I can do it as long as i'm walking those halls holding Jesus' hand. I can do it as long as i run to God when i'm having a bad day, and not let it effect my mood. I can do it as long as i stay strong and don't give up. I can do it as long as i stay faithful and not put God on the back burner like i so easily do. What i'm doing when i graduate is really up in the air with my prayers right now, waiting for answers is the hardest thing to do but i have to do it. There's on major decision i'm making right now about churches that will greatly effect me that i have to make the right decision on. Right now i'm letting go of everything i'm comfortable with and letting God do some much needed repairs on my heart.
Senior year is going to be the greatest year of my life, as long as God is first.

i'll never be ok with it.

i always catch myself looking back on freshman year with a smile.the first year of high school, man.. we all thought we were something.& i can say personally & for about everyone else in my grade, we all kinna lost it that year.we thought we were grown. we did what we wanted. & we ended up regretting it.but i still have to look back & laugh, i had no friken clue what i was doing.

that year i made two friendships, that i'm pretty much without now.one of them i'm glad to be rid of.. it destroyed a part of me that i still cant get back, after all.another.. i'm still pretty angry about losing. because it wasn't their fault, or my fault.it's all over... this stupid guy.a guy that took a beautful girl, & infected her personality with his crap.

& i'll NEVER be ok with that.
i'll NEVER be ok with the fact that he took one of my best friend's away from me, when i needed her most.
i'll NEVER be ok with the fact that she let him, because she's "in love."
i'll NEVER be ok with the fact that i know he's killing her inside.
i'll NEVER be ok with the fact that i'll never see her innocent smile again.
i'll NEVER be ok with the fact that i can't talk to her about a friken thing, because he doesn't want to share her.
i'll NEVER be ok with the fact that he deprived her of her junior prom.

i can't shake this, i'll always have nightmares about it i've come to realize..i lost a friend. i lost my soul sister.
& i'll NEVER be ok with it.

I Hope You Never Lose Your Sense of Wonder..

Today in 3B- which happens to be my Art class, a song came on; it's one of my favorite songs, but it's also hard to listen to.
It's a song my mom used to sing, hoping one day my father would hear, & that one day he would come back.
Reality is, he never came back. He married my stepmom... and told us two weeks later.
Now that i'm older, i can kinna understand that pain my mother felt. He promised he'd come back after all, but why trust an alcoholic right?
Momma never dated after that. She gave up on love. I've been close to that point before, and Kirk came and chased that thought away with the way he said "i love you"
I have never heard someone say those three words with such sincerity and such compassion before, and to this day that statement, that tone of voice, makes me melt.
I have never felt this way before.
And that feeling makes me pity my mother, because I know she's never had it. & she never will. and that fact makes me angry with my father, my hero, my deddy. Maybe he isn't the one that she was supposed to have that feeling with, but he certainly damaged her to the point of not trying anymore.
And that feeling makes me so thankful. That God gave me my miracle, my one & only love, Kirk William Buffington.
...it's funny because no one believes that it's possible for me to love. I'm 16 years old after all, going to be 17 in less than two months. I have no friken idea what I'm talking about right?

wrong-o.

Personally, ha, I think I know a little more about love than the ones that are just begging to differ. Because the ones that are telling me i have no idea what I'm talking about, are the ones that have been divorced at least twice. Funny huh?

Point being- I know twenty years from now I'm not going to be singing some sad love song hoping for someone to come back. I'll be singing the songs my love wrote for me & telling my kids that dreams do come true.