Some days are harder than others.

To be truthful, I try not to think about Jacob.

He left such a void in so many people's lives. I still don't understand why God had to take Jacob. Of all people. Jacob.

He was going to be the one to marry Kirk and me. I know I've stated that on this blog before... but I can't get past it. He was going to be an awesome uncle to my kids. An awesome brother in law. I'm sure he would have had the funniest children on the planet.

Ugh.

I miss him a whole lot. And I feel almost wrong when I say that because there are so many other people that knew him better than I did. But he was one of my first youth leaders. He's the one that brought Kirk to the church I was going to. He lead Kirk to Christ.... Jacob played a huge part in mine and Kirk's future.

It just hurts because I never got to thank him. I never got to tell him no matter how many times he pissed me off to no end, I still loved him. He was like the perfect older brother I had always wanted and never gotten until my freshman year.

My step siblings suck as siblings. Drew is the only one who acts like he really cares and he lives in freaking Louisiana. A lot of good he's doing for me there.

Ugh. Ugh.

I wonder when and if I'll ever stop missing the biggest goof I've ever met. Words can't describe what I feel when I'm reminded that he's gone. Most of the time we were being total jerks to each other. A lot of the time he was posting stupid stuff on my statuses that infuriated me. When me and Kirk first got back together Jacob was the one to say the meanest things to Kirk about our age difference. Why in the world I miss that, I have no clue.

But I do. Especially as it gets closer to a year without him. I still want him to embarrass the mess out of me at my wedding and it'll never happen.

What's so weird is despite how mean we were to each other, he would still waste his gas to come all the way to Thomson to take me to church with him and Kirk. He told Kirk it's because he cared. He hated where I lived and he wanted me to be in church. He wanted me to be ok. All I've ever wanted was a big brother like that. And he was taken away from be before I ever got to tell him all of that.

I don't know how to cope on days like this.

The letter I've been wanting to write for years.

I wanted to let you know what you've done to make me who I am today.

You and mom lied to me for seven years, it was only when I kept asking I was presented the truth that I was an illegitimate child.
I don't know if you realize what that does to a seven year old's world, but yeah it shattered it.

The two years living with you were pure HELL. The things you said to me and to the people I once loved play through my mind each and every day. Sometimes I wish you would have actually killed me like you said you were going to.

I was a suicidal, cutting teenager because of you. Would you like to see the scars? Too bad, you don't deserve to.

I want you to know that I hated you and Pat for a very long time. I don't hate Pat now, just you.

I want you to know that when I moved back to Georgia the two years living with you damaged me so much that the skin on my hands peeled for months. Now I have severe abandonment issues, and really really really bad nerves. Way to go.

I want you to know that because of you I trust no man. The only reason I trust Kirk is because in the four years that I've known him, he's been the only person to fully accept me for the screwed up person I am.

I want you to know that I came close to starving this summer because of you.

I want you to know that every time I look in the mirror I want to rip every single hair out of my head because it's just like yours.

I want you to know that I hate myself most of the time because I see so much of you in me.

I want you to know I almost killed myself three times this year, just because of you.

I want you to know that in my mind, my mother shouldn't be the one dying in front of my face. It should be you.

I want you to know the only reason I've kept in touch with you and put up with you all these years is because God keeps on telling me to. I want to give up on you, but the truth is I'll never be able to. I hate you for that too.

I want you to know that you aren't my hero. I'm not proud of you in the least bit. I don't care if you gave up drinking. You're a worse person now than you were back then. You just got rid of the excuse, the problem is within your soul.

I want you to know that every. single. person. that cares about me hates your guts.

I want you to know that every boyfriend I've ever had wanted to punch you in the face. And I had an abusive meth addict that wanted to kill me for a boyfriend, even HE wanted to punch you.

I want you to know that you'll never get the chance to walk me down the isle. Uncle Steve is going to.

I want you to know that you will never have a chance to see your grandchildren. I don't want them exposed to such an awful person.

I want you to know that your own brother and sister in law got angry with you when they were told you were going to the beach instead of your own daughter's graduation party.

I want you to know that you have been a cancer in my life for eighteen years, and this is me cutting you out.

I want you to know that you're going to die alone.