Self Esteem

I never had one.
That sort of thing happens when you're so beat down by everyone around you. All my life I was told that something was wrong with me. Like me being angry about my father leaving me and my mother to fend for ourselves when I was only five years old was something not to fret about. I move to Tennessee and I'm told that there's something deeply wrong with me because I'm eleven years old and still want to play pretend with my dolls. Never mind that they're my only friends. Never mind that I had to listen to my life being threatened nightly by a drunk. No, there was something definitely wrong with me.
I move back in with my mother and all of a sudden I'm so ugly that I'm not allowed to leave the house without makeup on. Never mind that I want to give my face a break. No, my face just looks like "sh*t" and I have to wear makeup. Never mind that my hair is finally the length I want it. It's a little frizzy at the end so I'm not allowed to wear it down when I'm around my mother because it looks like "sh*t". Never mind I finally achieve the weight I wanted. Never mind the fact that I'm finally proud of the feminine curves I've always wanted. No, I'm "fat". Never mind the fact that I'm about to start my period and everyone breaks out when that happens. No, my face looks like "sh*t".
Why do I always have to be compared to "sh*t"?

So my senior year I decided that I wouldn't wear makeup to school. Half out of respect for my boyfriend, because I had a few guys after me that I wanted to dissuade, and half because I wanted to prove myself that my natural self looked ok. That my natural, God given looks did not look like a four letter curse word. So I never wore makeup on school days except for important presentations and stuff like that. I began to see myself as naturally beautiful and not just ok. I began to see my whole self as beautiful, not just my chest size. I was called ugly my entire lifetime until the end of my eighth grade year when suddenly, BOOM, I developed boobs. Something that made my back constantly ache finally got me attention from all the scum bag boys I wanted attention from. Now, months before I would graduate and become part of the real world I appreciated myself for me. 

Self esteem. Yeah I have one. I don't wear makeup on most college days, and if I do it's probably a Friday. When I do wear makeup I do suppose I wear a lot... but I don't wear it to cover up anything anymore. I wear it to make myself look different. I need a different, and to keep myself from doing something drastic I make myself look different through makeup. I personally don't think God has a problem with it, considering I do appreciate my natural appearance and when I do wear makeup I'm just experimenting. I hope He doesn't have a problem with it, after all... He does want me to love myself.