Empty

What's life like when you've broke off the friendship you had with your "best" friend of ten years? Empty.
To be honest though, I'm more thankful for the emptiness than I thought I would be. Cause during the last few years I would wake up and randomly hate the child's guts. That's never a good feeling to have in a relationship. But I guess after all the years of trying to convince me and herself that she was prettier than I was, that she was the better friend, that she was more loyal, and that more guys wanted to get with her a little hate was warranted.
I never realized how unhealthy the friendship was until it ended. Now looking back on it, I just feel sick. I was always getting the child out of trouble that she deserved. I was always sacrificing money and me time for her. I always had to do what she wanted to do. I always had to walk on eggshells because of her "mental illness" that gave her license to snap on anyone anytime she wanted.
She never understood me. No one who doesn't understand my love of reading, silence, sleep, Harry Potter, and all things nerdy can understand me. No one who chooses to periodically disobey their parents can understand me. No one who would rather skip school and go have sex with someone could ever understand me.

Hell. Half the time I don't even understand me.

So why does it feel like a bad breakup? Why am I stuck with dream soaked guilt? Why do I keep dreaming about patching up the friendship? It's not what I want. I wanted the friendship to end in ninth grade for God's sake.

I guess not having someone constantly bombarding my cell phone with stupid text messages makes me feel lonely. I guess not having someone besides Kirk begging for my time makes me feel unimportant. I guess not saving someone's ass twenty-four-seven makes me feel like I'm not being used.

I don't like to cuss but dangit if this hasn't been bugging me for months. It makes me feel stupid that it still bugs me because I'll bet a hundred dollars she doesn't give two craps. Ughhhhhhh. I want someone to want me to be their best friend so I'm stressed constantly because I secretly want to spend more time with my boyfriend but I actually do want to spend time with them again! I also want my brain to make a bit more sense.

Self Esteem

I never had one.
That sort of thing happens when you're so beat down by everyone around you. All my life I was told that something was wrong with me. Like me being angry about my father leaving me and my mother to fend for ourselves when I was only five years old was something not to fret about. I move to Tennessee and I'm told that there's something deeply wrong with me because I'm eleven years old and still want to play pretend with my dolls. Never mind that they're my only friends. Never mind that I had to listen to my life being threatened nightly by a drunk. No, there was something definitely wrong with me.
I move back in with my mother and all of a sudden I'm so ugly that I'm not allowed to leave the house without makeup on. Never mind that I want to give my face a break. No, my face just looks like "sh*t" and I have to wear makeup. Never mind that my hair is finally the length I want it. It's a little frizzy at the end so I'm not allowed to wear it down when I'm around my mother because it looks like "sh*t". Never mind I finally achieve the weight I wanted. Never mind the fact that I'm finally proud of the feminine curves I've always wanted. No, I'm "fat". Never mind the fact that I'm about to start my period and everyone breaks out when that happens. No, my face looks like "sh*t".
Why do I always have to be compared to "sh*t"?

So my senior year I decided that I wouldn't wear makeup to school. Half out of respect for my boyfriend, because I had a few guys after me that I wanted to dissuade, and half because I wanted to prove myself that my natural self looked ok. That my natural, God given looks did not look like a four letter curse word. So I never wore makeup on school days except for important presentations and stuff like that. I began to see myself as naturally beautiful and not just ok. I began to see my whole self as beautiful, not just my chest size. I was called ugly my entire lifetime until the end of my eighth grade year when suddenly, BOOM, I developed boobs. Something that made my back constantly ache finally got me attention from all the scum bag boys I wanted attention from. Now, months before I would graduate and become part of the real world I appreciated myself for me. 

Self esteem. Yeah I have one. I don't wear makeup on most college days, and if I do it's probably a Friday. When I do wear makeup I do suppose I wear a lot... but I don't wear it to cover up anything anymore. I wear it to make myself look different. I need a different, and to keep myself from doing something drastic I make myself look different through makeup. I personally don't think God has a problem with it, considering I do appreciate my natural appearance and when I do wear makeup I'm just experimenting. I hope He doesn't have a problem with it, after all... He does want me to love myself.