Some days are harder than others.

To be truthful, I try not to think about Jacob.

He left such a void in so many people's lives. I still don't understand why God had to take Jacob. Of all people. Jacob.

He was going to be the one to marry Kirk and me. I know I've stated that on this blog before... but I can't get past it. He was going to be an awesome uncle to my kids. An awesome brother in law. I'm sure he would have had the funniest children on the planet.

Ugh.

I miss him a whole lot. And I feel almost wrong when I say that because there are so many other people that knew him better than I did. But he was one of my first youth leaders. He's the one that brought Kirk to the church I was going to. He lead Kirk to Christ.... Jacob played a huge part in mine and Kirk's future.

It just hurts because I never got to thank him. I never got to tell him no matter how many times he pissed me off to no end, I still loved him. He was like the perfect older brother I had always wanted and never gotten until my freshman year.

My step siblings suck as siblings. Drew is the only one who acts like he really cares and he lives in freaking Louisiana. A lot of good he's doing for me there.

Ugh. Ugh.

I wonder when and if I'll ever stop missing the biggest goof I've ever met. Words can't describe what I feel when I'm reminded that he's gone. Most of the time we were being total jerks to each other. A lot of the time he was posting stupid stuff on my statuses that infuriated me. When me and Kirk first got back together Jacob was the one to say the meanest things to Kirk about our age difference. Why in the world I miss that, I have no clue.

But I do. Especially as it gets closer to a year without him. I still want him to embarrass the mess out of me at my wedding and it'll never happen.

What's so weird is despite how mean we were to each other, he would still waste his gas to come all the way to Thomson to take me to church with him and Kirk. He told Kirk it's because he cared. He hated where I lived and he wanted me to be in church. He wanted me to be ok. All I've ever wanted was a big brother like that. And he was taken away from be before I ever got to tell him all of that.

I don't know how to cope on days like this.